Hacker: This is my first time playing golf. When do I use my putter?
Caddie: Some time before dark, I hope.

Golfer: I've never played this poorly before.
Caddie: You've played before?

Hacker: With my score today I'll never be able to hold my head up.
Caddie: Why not? You've been doing it all afternoon.

Golfer: You perhaps won't believe it, but I once did this hole in one.
Caddie: Stroke or day, sir?

Hacker: Any ideas on how I can cut about ten strokes off my score?
Caddie: Yes, quit on seven.

Wife: You think so much of your golf game you don't even remember when we were married.
Husband: Of course I do, my dear. It was the day I sank that thirty-foot putt.

Player: Can I reach it with a five iron?
Caddie: Eventually.

Golfer: Would you mind wading into the pond and retrieving my ball?
Caddie: Why?
Golfer: It's my lucky ball.

Gimme: An agreement between two losers who can't putt.

Manager: I'm sorry. Sir, we have no time open on the course today.
Golfer: Wait a minute, what if Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus showed up? I'm sure you'd find a starting time for them.
Manager: Of course we would, sir.
Golfer: Well, I happen to know they're not coming, so we'll take their time.